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Irish Ways - Current Affairs


Occasionally I waste my talent on politicians or other public figures who, if theyíre lucky, will be forgotten in a few years.
Aisling 2016

ĎBorn to an unwed mother, Independence,í
the spťirbhean told me of young Irelandís grief,
Ďthe Church immured her due to her descendance
and held her captive for the priestís relief.

ĎAnd when she came of age and thus the cleric
at last was done with her, he sold her to
the moneychanger, known for the barbaric
way that he treats his slaves, both old and new.

ĎToday she works for nothing, suffers deeply,
does not get fed and, making matters worse,
gets whipped each evening just before sheís cheaply
whored out to pay for debts that are not hers.

ĎThereís just one way that we can put things right:
let Ireland and her mother reunite!í


The Irish Army

The army of our leader
with all his lackeys rules
the world and, spreading freedom,
bombs hospitals and schools.
Not so the Irish Army;
we only can defend
our country in our country,
not an invaded land.
So here we fight the battle
of banks and buccaneers
by shooting all the cattle
of farmers in arrears.

Deployed by ruthless bankers
and CEOs, we tour
the country where we gladly
wage war upon the poor.
If someone missed a payment
because heís broke today
from bailing out the bankers,
he still will have to pay.
Thatís why we fight the battle
of banks and buccaneers
by shooting all the cattle
of farmers in arrears.


The Denis O'Brien Song

I bought this country fair and square,
lock, stock and barrel; pout,
but people must not be aware
of how this came about.
I milk the cow that I donít feed,
push profits to the max,
and all the same I do indeed
not pay a cent in tax.
I shall protect my reputation
from truth and its design;
Iíve purchased the entire nation -
itís mine, itís mine, itís mine!

I own the state, I call the shots,
tenders I want I get
as I, from one of many yachts,
instruct the cabinet.
My corporate welfare wonít be cut
as long as I keep on
sponsoring those in power, but
my calm may soon be gone.
I shall protect my reputation
from truth and its design;
Iíve purchased the entire nation -
itís mine, itís mine, itís mine!

Some tell my story; I take steps
to silence them through fear,
and if they do not shut their traps,
my lawyers get in gear.
I sue the press when it incites
awareness, and I sue
wayward TDs and satire sites
that publish what I do.
I shall protect my reputation
from truth and its design;
Iíve purchased the entire nation -
itís mine, itís mine, itís mine!

I have the right to privacy
while tightening your chain;
Iíll sue all those who mention me
or take my name in vain.
My wrath is terrible but just,
my viewpoint well opined;
Iíll silence Ireland if I must
to keep the facts confined.
I shall protect my reputation
from truth and its design;
Iíve purchased the entire nation -
itís mine, itís mine, itís mine!


Irish Lullaby

Itís hard to live in poverty,
my child, but Iím afraid we all
have to make sacrifices for
less fortunate souls to ease their fall.

Denis must buy a brand new yacht,
allowing him to sail away
from business worries now and then;
thatís why your dad works without pay.

Angela needs a holiday
to visit Ischia, Trent and Rome
and take a break from politics;
thatís why we can not heat our home.

And Enda has to get a new
Mercedes-Benz as a reward
for all heís done to help us out;
thatís why your brother went abroad.

For Joan the newest iPad helps
to face the struggle and the strife
of dealing with the great unwashed;
thatís why your uncle took his life.

Then Michael wants another suit
to look presentable and keep
his famed austere appearances;
thatís why youíre hungry going to sleep.


Ashbourne Annie is a fictional working class character created by the 'Labour' party in a pathetic attempt to get their voters back.

Ashbourne Annie Votes Labour

When Ashbourne Annie voted Labour
her husband lost his job, you see,
and was, just like their next-door neighbour,
forced onto JobsBridge to work for free.

Though they spent less and less on eating,
the bank theyíd saved was unimpressed,
and though they cancelled creche and heating
their little home was repossessed.

They now sleep in the streets of Dublin
where stars are twinkling from afar;
as if this wasnít amply troubliní,
one child died of pneumonia.

ĎThings will get better now,í her Labour
TD vowed canvassing one day;
if Ashbourne Annie still votes Labour
she sure deserves what comes her way.


Quango, Quango, Quango

(Tune: Quando, Quando, Quando)

Tell us, when will you be ours,
tell us, quango, quango, quango,
with no price caps and the powírs
to charge anything we like?

Every trickle twelve cents,
every bath is a tenner;
thereíll be no more pretence
that we care about the world.

It will be our company
and no quango, quango, quango,
with the profits flowing free
when the next electionís closed.

Every trickle twelve cents,
every bath is a tenner;
thereíll be no more pretence
that we care about the world.


Endaís Pet Rabbit

Enda had a little pet, little pet, little pet,
Enda had a little pet with thoughts as black as tar,
and everywhere that Enda went, Enda went, Enda went,
and everywhere that Enda went, pet rabbit wasnít far.

He followed him to DŠil one day, DŠil one day, DŠil one day,
he followed him to DŠil one day and thought that it was cool.
It made the TDs laugh and play, laugh and play, laugh and play,
it made the TDs laugh and play to see a rabbit rule.

Pet rabbit loves his Enda so, Enda so, Enda so,
pet rabbit loves his Enda so and surely knows his place
because a carrot dangles right, dangles right, dangles right,
because a carrot dangles right in front of his dazed face.


The Invisible

On a December evening
in Dublin, in plain view,
a man sits on a stairway
as many others do.
Many a Christmas shopper,
their spouses for to spoil,
walks round the homeless beggar
who sits across the DŠil.

On a December morning
in Dublin, in plain view,
a man dies on a stairway
as many others do.
Students, TDs and workers,
facing their daily toil,
walk past the lifeless body
which lies across the DŠil.



Don Aherno

ĎI command this family, right or wrong!í
Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) in The Godfather III

They call me Don Aherno
(I donít know why they do):
I never condemn wrongdoing
and expect the same from you.
I am this countryís Taoiseach Ė
in English that means chief,
the German word is FŁhrer,
and I shall never leave.
I am the boss of Ireland,
and I get paid up front,
and I can do whatever
the bloody hell I want!

The public keep on whining
they canít afford their bread,
but if they starve, why donít they
rather eat cake instead?
No more he roams these forests,
the tiger of the Celts,
and it is time our people
learnt tightening their belts.
I am the boss of Ireland,
and I get paid up front,
and I can do whatever
the bloody hell I want!

Worldwide no man is dearer
as head of government,
and I have just awarded,
with all the best intent,
myself another pay rise
that has the public rage
and equals twenty incomes
on national minimum wage.
I am the boss of Ireland,
and I get paid up front,
and I can do whatever
the bloody hell I want!

A man in my position
sure needs no bank account:
my cash is in the attic
where it is safe and sound.
And if I give positions
to business friends on plates,
itís not because they paid me,
but just because theyíre mates.
I am the boss of Ireland,
and I get paid up front,
and I can do whatever
the bloody hell I want!

An anorak of Teflon
serves as my royal cloak Ė
though stuffed with large backhanders
it looks like I am broke.
Iím such a lucky fellow:
who else could ever say
theyíve highly paid positions
where tips outweigh the pay.
I am the boss of Ireland,
and I get paid up front,
and I can do whatever
the bloody hell I want!

Iím telling all my subjects
what and what not to do Ė
they wonít turn from their master
though they complain, but who
would dare to disobey me?
I tell them who gets fed,
and how to heat their houses,
and when to go to bed.
I am the boss of Ireland,
and I get paid up front,
and I can do whatever
the bloody hell I want!

Iím a self-righteous tyrant,
and yet the voters see
in me the undisputed
head of the family.
They fear the raging despot,
the grump who tolerates
no question Ė the unjust father
whom everybody hates!
I am the boss of Ireland,
and I get paid up front,
and I can do whatever
the bloody hell I want!


Retrospect

We claim the thirty-two counties, but
I think we should be dropping
the subject, for with thirty-two counties
where would we do our shopping?


© Frank L. Ludwig