Things are getting better. The government that have tripled the cost of public services will set up a committee to control price increase, the world’s fattest health minister is tackling the nation’s obesity problem, and not a single billionaire in this country is being taxed.
In all areas other than social security, law enforcement, traffic safety, public transport, health and childcare, workers’ rights, equality, inflation and price control, poverty prevention, social and affordable housing, control of public spending, hospital hygiene and heritage conservation we have caught up with the rest of Europe, and we can certainly be proud of our achievements!

After we’ve been taking your money out of your pockets in vast bundles, the last budget (which coincidentally happens to be a pre-election budget) enabled us to throw quite a few coins in your hat, and we hope you’ll keep that in mind when going to the polls.

Due to public pressure, and although we believe business risks have to be covered by the taxpayer and not the companies, we even consider fixed pricing for public contracts, after having encouraged those companies to charge up to 50 times the amount of their original estimates. We will look further into this sometime after the next elections.

Following the successful introduction of the smoking ban (which, despite the mad ravings of a few publicans, only caused a business loss of 40%) we will continue our course of public health as well as ensuring traffic safety and public order by introducing prohibition and a curfew.
The positive effect of the smoking ban can be seen already: rather than dying a slow cancerous death and costing the health service a fortune, they now die quickly of pneumonia from smoking outside. This saves the taxpayer money and vacates a lot of urgently needed hospital trolleys, and that is why the smoking ban is the only law to be enforced.

Talking of law enforcement - rather than responding to the increasing number of crimes, road deaths due to speeding and drink-driving (and not all drink drivers are ministers, judges, bishops, MPs or Gardai) etc by increasing the number of Gardai, we will now recruit volunteers to deal with public order offences and criminal activities. We plan to have the volunteer force replace An Garda Síochána completely by the year 2008.

In order for Irish companies to escape the restrictive laws concerning workers’ rights, we have improved our relations with Cyprus by having Irish Ferries sail under their flag, and we will look into the possibility of factory ships being stationed along the Irish coast under the same conditions. This will give the Irish economy another great boost by creating new employment without the restrictions imposed by Irish labour laws.

The Irish community has profited a lot from the privatisation of waste disposal, and in the near future we will also privatise the water supply in order to ensure that we will all get the best possible value for our money.

Ireland is now one of the richest countries in the world, and this government have made sure that this wealth is equally distributed, from the largest international corporation to the smallest minister.

Despite the unfortunate incident with Carol Coleman who, as RTE’s Washington correspondent, asked questions in her interview with George Bush rather than simply welcoming him to Ireland, our relations with the United States have never been better. This is another achievement envied by the opposition who go as far as criticising us for our servile attitude towards the United States. They even claim we disregarded the neutrality laid down in the constitution by allowing the US Air Force to use Shannon Airport and refuelling their planes for free; but we can assure you that, had Saddam Hussein decided to strike back and bomb the United States, his army would have awaited the same warm welcome and the same free services!

For centuries the Irish have populated countries all over the world, and we certainly don't want the same to happen to us. Unfortunately we can't keep foreigners from other EU countries out of Ireland any longer, but we make every effort to keep at least the non-EU nationals away. We have a successful deportation policy that allows us, as the only European country, to even deport non-Irish parents of Irish children and non-Irish spouses who are married to Irish partners. (If they want a united family, they should have married within their own race in the first place.)

Finally, our great leader Bertie Ahern has been criticised for accepting small payments from his business tycoon friends, some of whom he later appointed to public offices ('I might have appointed somebody but I appointed them because they were friends, not because of anything they had given me'); some even expected his career to end because of this, just like that of Charles Haughey ended, and joked about Ahern going down for a few thousand while Haughey went down for a few million. But he was going through a rough patch; since he was only Minister of Finance at that time, he found it difficult to pay his bills and couldn't even afford an own bank account (that's why all payments to him had to be made in cash). And let's be honest, who of us has not accepted non-repayable loans from a millionaire friend when we were in trouble?

Help us continue our unequalled success - not only by giving us your money and your vote but also by convincing others. Print these stickers and spread them wherever you can: wear them on your sleeve, put them on the fridge in your canteen, or hang them in your employer’s shop window - make sure everybody gets the message!

A Bitter Place	Buy 1 Get 1 Free
B Ahern in Rehab (for palindrome fans)	The way we live today
Keeping Ireland White	Seriously, would you?
Santa Claus 2005