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Christmas Carols for Working Class Parents

This Christmas, as every other, working class parents all over the world are faced with the terrible task of telling their children why Santa can't come.
These new Christmas songs may help them understand.


Santa’s Retirement Notice

(Tune: Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head)

Reindeer keep crawling on my head,
but that doesn't mean that I will soon get out of bed,
Santa Claus is tired.
Those reindeer are crawling on my head, they keep crawling...

So I just did me some talking to myself,
and I said I’d do it like my favourite Christmas elf,
sleeping on the job.
Those reindeer are crawling on my head, they keep crawling...

But there's one thing I know:
the lists ye send to cheat me won't defeat me,
it won't be long till Rudolph brings my tea to greet me.

Reindeer keep crawling on my head,
but that doesn't mean that I will soon get out of bed,
Christmas ain’t for me,
yet I'm never gonna stop the feast by complaining.
Because I'm free,
no more presents for ye...

(Click here to listen to this song being performed by Wesley Walker.)


Stuck in the Chimney

(Tune: I’ll Put You Together Again)

When you don’t get any toys,
when you feel Christmas is over,
do not curse Santa – he was here all right
but got stuck in the chimney last night.

Yeah, Santa got stuck in the chimney last night,
got stuck in the chimney last night,
with his big belly he found it too tight
and got stuck in the chimney last night.

His sleigh did crash on the roof
and so did most of his reindeer.
With his large sack he came down, but not quite
and got stuck in the chimney last night.

Yeah, Santa got stuck in the chimney last night,
got stuck in the chimney last night,
with his big belly he found it too tight
and got stuck in the chimney last night.

Now Santa Claus is no more,
neither the presents he carried.
I’m sure he put up a hell of a fight
but got stuck in the chimney last night.

Yeah, Santa got stuck in the chimney last night,
got stuck in the chimney last night,
with his big belly he found it too tight
and got stuck in the chimney last night.

I think ‘twas wrong that the fire we did light
with him stuck in the chimney last night.


The Aftertaste of Santa's Draft

(Tune: Danny Boy)

Oh Santa Claus, the pipes, the pipes are calling,
because the Pole's at war with Pakistan
to rid the world of combative religion,
and you've been drafted just like every man.
So you went off and killed their congregation
and bust the skulls of those who were misled,
and you smoked out the terrorists and punished
those of wrong faith until a heat stroke killed you dead.

But you have died in service of your country
to save the world and Christmas from their foe,
and after fearless troops retrieved your body,
you lie interred beneath eternal snow.
Oh Santa Claus, you've lived and died as hero
for all mankind and for your fatherland,
and if this Christmas you don't bring us presents,
we know that every little child will understand.

(Click here to listen to this song being performed by Wesley Walker.)


Voodoo Snowman

(Tune: Voodoo Woman)

They call me the voodoo snowman,
and you know the reason why?
They call me the voodoo snowman,
and you know the reason why?
Well, if I stick that pin in,
you know you kids are gonna cry!

They call me the voodoo snowman,
I made a doll of Santa Claus.
They call me the voodoo snowman,
I made a doll of Santa Claus.
I tell all you kids
that you have to blame yourselves, of course.

On Christmas Eve you took my carrot
from right under my nose,
you didn’t even ask me -
if that’s the way it goes,
you’ll be sorry on Christmas Day.
You took my carrot away
to leave it out for Rudolph,
and now you kids are gonna pay!

They call me the voodoo snowman,
and you know the reason why?
Well, if I stick that pin in,
all you kids are gonna cry!


Airspace Violation

(Tune: Fields of Athenry)

By a lonely airport wall I heard a young girl calling:
Santa, they are taking you away!
Controlled airspace you did cross
where the ATC is boss,
so they've booked you, and in prison you will stay.

Low fly the birds across the sky
where once we watched the sleigh passing by
with reindeer on the wing,
we had Christmas songs to sing.
It's so lonely where the headstones meet the sky.

By a lonely prison wall I heard a young guard calling:
Bend down, Santa, or you'll ne'er be free!
With a baton and a frown
he took aim and clubbed him down,
unconsciousnessprecipitatingly.

Low fly the birds across the sky
where once we watched the sleigh passing by
with reindeer on the wing,
we had Christmas songs to sing.
It's so lonely where the headstones meet the sky.

By a lonely churchyard wall she watched the last star falling
as the coffin bearers slowly passed her by.
Sure she'll wait and hope and pray
for a successor one fine day.
It's so lonely where the headstones meet the sky.

Low fly the birds across the sky
where once we watched the sleigh passing by
with reindeer on the wing,
we had Christmas songs to sing.
It's so lonely where the headstones meet the sky.


Scrooge’s Present

(Tune: Bad Moon Rising)

Scrooge once went up to Santa,
‘To see that I have changed, you may
bring these ten sacks of presents
to all the kids in town on your way.’

Tonight you shouldn’t go
out walking in the snow,
there’s a sleigh that’s gonna blow.

All gifts were wrapped and loaded,
all of the reindeer set to fly.
Santa climbed up and ordered,
‘Onward, and up into the sky!’

Tonight you shouldn’t go
out walking in the snow,
there’s a sleigh that’s gonna blow.

Santa and sleigh ascended
with all the toys for you and me,
but he was not aware of
four pounds of finest TNT.

Tonight you shouldn’t go
out walking in the snow,
there’s a sleigh that’s gonna blow.


I Did what I Did for My Deer

(Tune: I Did what I Did for Maria)

Sleigh bells. This is the last Christmas I'll ever see,
down there in purgatory they wait for me,
but I go to my Lord with no fear
'cause I did what I did for my deer.

As I rode into town
with the sleigh going down
all the chimneys were barred,
there was no one around,
for they knew of my trip
with my hand on my whip
and revenge in my heart for my deer,
my dearest departed reindeer.

Take a sleigh for a sleigh
and a spine for a spine,
and somebody must pay
for that reindeer of mine,
yes I did what I did for my deer,
I did what I did for my deer.

Carols echoed across from the workshop beneath.
There was the elf; I was grinding my teeth,
every lash cut so deep and so clear
as I took my revenge for my deer.

And he fell to the ground,
raising snow all around,
which turned red with his blood
long before he went down.
It was quick, it was grim,
made it easy on him,
which is more than he did for my deer
when he did what he did to my deer.

Take a sleigh for a sleigh
and a spine for a spine,
and somebody must pay
for that reindeer of mine,
yes I did what I did for my deer,
I did what I did for my deer.

Sleigh bells. This is the last Christmas I'll ever see,
down there in purgatory they wait for me,
but I go to my Lord with no fear
'cause I did what I did for my deer.


Santa I Want Coal

(Tune: I Love Rock’n’Roll)

I heard him in the chimney and hoped that he’d fit
and land upon the fireplace that’s rarely lit;
I’ve been a naughty boy
because the nicest toy
is useless in the astringent cold.
So he’d make me pay, yeah pay,
and I won’t play in the freezing cold,
so he’d make me pay, yeah pay, singing:

Santa, I want coal,
so put another piece in my Christmas stocking.
Santa, I want coal,
so we can all be warm on Christmas Day.

I can not wait until the morning – I’ll check
what Santa got me from his magical sack:
I hope he’ll punish me
the way that it should be,
and soon we will all be warm,
warm thanks to me, yeah me !

And soon we will all be warm,
warm thanks to me, yeah me, singing:

Santa, I want coal,
so put another piece in my Christmas stocking.
Santa, I want coal,
so we can all be warm on Christmas Day.

I hope he’ll punish me
the way that it should be,
and soon we will all be warm,
warm thanks to me, yeah me,
and soon we will all be warm,
warm thanks to me, yeah me, singing:

Santa, I want coal,
so put another piece in my Christmas stocking.
Santa, I want coal,
so we can all be warm on Christmas Day.


Santa and the Pixie Lights

(Tune: Blowin’ in the Wind)

How many bogs must a man walk down
because his old reindeer did goof,
yes and how many miles must the reindeer fly
before he can land on a roof,
yes and how many times must the pixie lights shine
before there is definite proof?
Well, Santa found out, that’s why he’s not about,
yeah, Santa no longer is about.

How many fingers must one man have
to count what this Christmas will cost,
yes and how many times must a man look up
to see one more light in the frost,
yes and how many hours will it take him to see
that he is forever lost?
Well, Santa found out, that’s why he’s not about,
yeah, Santa no longer is about.

How many hours must a man go down
before he looks up at a frog,
yes and how many days does a body float
before it will sink in the bog,
and how many people will look for him
before getting lost in the fog?
And Santa, my child, is buried in the wild,
and Santa is buried in the wild.


Get off of My Sleigh

(Tune: Get off of My Cloud)

I am sitting on my sleigh and watch the winter clouds go sailing by,
the Christmas bells ring though the air, and I can hear the reindeer sigh.
Then up flies a gull and perches on the children’s stuff
and eats all sweets and drops a little something on my cuff.

I said, Hey! You! Get off of my sleigh!
Hey! You! Get off of my sleigh !
Hey! You! Get off of my sleigh !
Don't hang around 'cause I must away.
(On my sleigh, baby.)

I am sitting on my sleigh and pull the reins and hum a marching tune,
the reindeer sing along while in the distance dark clouds hide the moon.
I look up at the gloomy sky as it’s starting to rain
and see a parachuter jumping from an aeroplane.

I said, Hey! You! Get off of my sleigh!
Hey! You! Get off of my sleigh !
Hey! You! Get off of my sleigh !
Don't hang around 'cause I must away.
(On my sleigh, baby.)

I am sitting on my sleigh with all receipts for chocolate, toys and tools,
get my accounts in order for St Peter, he’s a stickler for the rules.
The wind picks up, and now we’re swaying from side to side,
when a meteorite comes falling down, a fireball ten foot wide.

I said, Hey! You! Get off of my sleigh!
Hey! You! Get off of my sleigh !
Hey! You! Get off of my sleigh !
Don't hang around 'cause I must away.
(On my sleigh, baby.)


Drinking and Flying

(Tune: The Sky is Crying)

Drinking and flying,
look at the port roll down my beard.
Drinking and flying,
look at the port roll down my beard.
'One billion Christmas drinks already -
let's compare noses,' Rudolph sneered.

I rub my eyes after Melbourne,
'This early there should be no planes!'
I rub my eyes after Melbourne,
'This early there should be no planes!'
and I feel so drunk
that I lose control of the reins.

I got a bad feeling, my reindeer,
since that shabby old Cessna appeared.
I got a bad feeling
since that shabby old Cessna appeared.
Now no longer flying,
the blood rolling down my beard.


Punch and Mistletoe

(Tune: Yellow Submarine)

In the sleigh I was airborne till I landed on the roof
where old Rudolph at full speed broke a roof tile with his hoof.

And the noise woke up the aunt of the children down below,
so we had a glass of punch underneath the mistletoe.

You can blame it on punch and mistletoe,
punch and mistletoe, punch and mistletoe.
You can blame it on punch and mistletoe,
punch and mistletoe, punch and mistletoe.

Now her name is Mrs. Claus, we are happy at the Pole,
and she tells me that she knows every Christmas takes its toll.

You can blame it on punch and mistletoe,
punch and mistletoe, punch and mistletoe.
You can blame it on punch and mistletoe,
punch and mistletoe, punch and mistletoe.

Sure the lid she’s keeping on my expenses is quite tight,
and I must stay home with her over Christmas day and night.

You can blame it on punch and mistletoe,
punch and mistletoe, punch and mistletoe.
You can blame it on punch and mistletoe,
punch and mistletoe, punch and mistletoe.


The Legend of Santa Claus

(Tune: The Legend of Xanadu)

Esta es la muerte de la Navidad

Up in the air with his sleigh and reindeer
Santa makes his way to the children on Earth by flying high above the Pole.

Having slept in, he is quite in a rush,
late from the start flies the sleigh with the presents for the kids above the Pole.

And the reindeer’s hoofs are clacking
and the whip is fondly cracking
which is causing pain.
Santa hears their lamentations
until Rudolph, losing patience,
snorts and cuts the rein.
His sleigh, cut off, must be
subject to gravity
above the Pole, above the Pole, above the Pole.

Above the Pole, above the Pole, above the Pole.

What was it to you that reindeer took your abuse for the kids?
Were those old eyes of yours ever filled with the pain and the tears and the grief?
Did you ever stop to think of others instead of yourself, fat man?
Or do you repent and will you find your way back one day, back to the Pole?

Up in the air on his sleigh bar reindeer
Santa makes his way to the surface of Earth by dropping down back to the Pole.

Back to the Pole, back to the Pole, back to the Pole.


Imagine

(Tune: Imagine)

Imagine there's no presents,
it's easy if you try,
no blood in narrow chimneys,
no reindeer in the sky,
imagine all the children
playing make-believe.

Imagine there's no Christmas,
it isn't hard to do,
no Rudolph and no Santa,
no Scrooge or grinches, too,
imagine all the children
sharing made-up toys.

You may say, ‘Where was Santa?’
but instead you should inspire.
Someday the kids will imagine
all the toys they desire.

Imagine your own railway,
a pool of racing cars,
to own the Horn of Plenty
or seven billion stars,
imagine all the children
getting all they want.

You may say, ‘Where was Santa?’
but instead you should inspire.
Someday the kids will imagine
all the toys they desire.


© Frank L. Ludwig